That One Time I Fed Crazy Neighbor Dude Cat Food (Pieathalon 2019)

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Every year I enter into Yinzerella’s (Dinner is Served 1972) pie contest. I start off really enthused for this project. I like pie. I also like submitting something quasi-fucked up for someone else to have to make. I love to submit stuff from Weight Watchers, because, well, they are invariably nasty. Like this year I offered up cherry pies that are made from cherries, gelatin, bread crumbs, and the tears of out of work carnies. Usually, in return, I get something edible. The other participants aren’t quite as evil mischevious as I am. Until now. Apparently, Kelly at Velveteen Lounge has decided it’s time I get my comeuppance. This year, I get to make a cat food pie. Thanks, Kelly.

Salmon CUSTARD Pie. Just let that sink in for a moment. I’ll wait.

Now, I’m not a fish girl. Well, lemme clarify that. I like the occasional fish stick or tuna sandwich, but other than that I have no interest in it. Let’s be honest, it smells funky. Ever had someone in your office heat up their fish lunch and thought about all the ways you could disembowel them? So, suffice to say, there’s no way in hell I would be taste testing this dish. So, who you gonna call? Crazy Neighbor Dude that’s who. He’s like Mikey. He’ll eat anything I offer him. Including baked cat food it would appear.

So, this nightmare starts with salmon. Correction, CANNED salmon. Because, of course, it does. Have you ever opened a can of salmon?

It’s slimy. It’s got all kinds of manky skin bits. And bones. Fucking bones. Why can’t they take those out? Whatever happened to work ethic? Would it be so hard to go the extra mile not to make me dig my fingers in nasty slimy fishy bits?

The green onions are about the only part of this recipe that doesn’t make me want to gag, and the smell of them cooking in butter does what it can to mitigate the stench of the canned salmon. Well, that and copious amounts of Lysol, bless its chemical-laden heart.

Toss all the ingredients together in a bowl. We’re all agreed that this looks like vomit. And it’s probably triggering your gag reflex as much as mine. Good times. Thanks, Kelly.

Toss into pie crust, bake. And text Crazy Neighbor Dude to come fetch.

His first question was “So, it’s like salmon, eggs and green stuff?” Nailed it in one Crazy Neighbor Dude!

So, I sent him on his merry way with his pie and went back to drinking and periodically spraying Lysol every time I got a whiff of fish. Then, my phone starts buzzing.

It’s entirely possible that I’m going to have to move. Thanks, Kelly.

Salmon Custard Pie Recipe is from the Farm Journal’s Complete Pie Cookbook Circa 1965

Pieathalon 2019 Participants
The Homicidal Homemaker
The Nostalgic Cook
Velveteen Lounge Kitsch-en
Vincent Price Legacy UK
Grannie Pantries
A Book of Cookrye
Retro Food for Modern Times
Dinner is Served 1972
Kitchen Confidence
Doctor Bobb’s Kitschen
Culinary Adventures with Camilla
Recipes 4 Rebels
Silver Screen Suppers

Cherry Pies

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1 cup frozen unsweetened cherries or (30 small fresh pitted cherries)
1/2 cup cold water
Artificial sweetener to equal 4 teaspoons sugar, or to taste
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
Dash of cinnamon
2 slices enriched white bread, crumbed
2 tablespoons imitation (or diet) margarine

Combine cherries, cold water, sweetener, gelatin, and cinnamon in a small saucepan. Stir over low heat until gelatin is dissolved. Reserve one-fourth of the bread crumbs. Divide remainder in half and press against bottom and sides of 2 individual pie dishes. Divide cherries evenly into dishes, and sprinkle each portion with equal amounts of remaining crumbs. Bake at 350° (moderate oven) for 10 minutes or until topping browns. Dot each pie with 1 tablespoon imitation margarine, and bake 1 minute longer. Makes 2 servings.

Copyright © Weight Watchers International, Inc. 1974. All rights reserved. Printed in U.S.A.

Fish Stick Favorites – Fish Stick Casserole

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Fish Stick Casserole

1 package (5 ounces) precooked rice
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 small onion, minced
2 tablespoons minced green pepper
1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce
1/2 teaspoon sugar
2 teaspoons vinegar
2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 package (8 ounces) frozen fish sticks

Cook precooked rice as directed on package; place in a shallow baking dish. Set oven for hot, 400°.

Melt butter in a saucepan; add onion and green pepper. Cook until onion is soft but not brown. Add and stir in tomato sauce, sugar, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce and salt; cook and stir 5 minutes. Pour sauce over rice. Arrange fish sticks on top of rice. Bake 15 minutes, or until fish sticks are heated through. Makes 4 servings.

Fish Stick Favorites

Place the contents of 1 package (8 ounces) fish sticks on a cooky sheet. Sprinkle fish sticks generously with grated Cheddar cheese. Set oven for hot, 400°. Bake 15 minutes or until fish sticks are heated. Arrange fish sticks on a platter and serve with Tartar Sauce (See Index F), if desired. Makes 2 to 3 servings.

Published by – COOKINDEX- Division of H.S. Stuttman Co., Inc., New York © Copyright 1958 Tested Recipe Institutine, Inc., New York

Blueberry Cream Cheese Salad

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Preparation time: 10 to 20 min.
First chilling time: 35 min.
Second chilling time: 2 to 4 hrs or overnight

You can prepare this salad in individual molds or one 4-cup
fancy mold. One layer is blueberries in gelatin, and the second is a creamy cheese mixture that takes the place of a dressing. unmold the salad on a bed of crisp greens and top with toasted pecans for a beautiful presentation.

For 1 mold, 4 to 6 servings, you will need:

1 can (about 15 oz.) blueberries
1 pkg. (3 oz.) black raspberry flavored gelatin
1 cup boiling water
1 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
2 pkgs. (3 oz. each) cream cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
Crisp lettuce leaves
1/2 cup chopped toasted pecans
3 or 4 pecan halves, for garnish

Preparation:

1. Drain blueberries and measure juice. You should have 1 cup. If not, add water to equal that amount. Set aside.

2. Dissolve the gelatin in the boiling water. Add the lemon juice. Place bowl over ice and stir until gelatin is cool. Add blueberry juice and stir until the mixture has slightly thickened. Add blueberries.

3. Pour into 4 oiled individual salad molds, about 6-ounce size or 6 molds, about 4-ounce size, or pour into a 4-cup salad mold. Chill until set, about 35 min.

4. Whip cream cheese and sour cream. Spread over salad that has set in the mold. Chill 2 to 4 hrs. or overnight until ready to serve.

5. Unmold onto lettuce-lined salad plate or plates. Sprinkle with toasted pecans.

Good served with: Poultry or ham, along with a traditional holiday meal; or serve from large mold for a buffet.

Tips: For a firmer salad, reduce the amount of boiling water to 3/4 cup.

© MCMLXXXIV My Great Recipes. All Rights Reserved. Printed in Holland.

Lima Bean Casserole

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1 cup dried lima beans
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup diced celery
2 tablespoons chopped green peppers
2 tablespoons chopped canned green chilies
2 cups stewed tomatoes
1/2 teaspoon chili powder

Cover beans with water; soak overnight. Drain, cover with fresh water and simmer until tender.

Heat oven to 250°. Add remaining ingredients, pour into a casserole and bake for 40 minutes.

Serves 4 to 5
Preparation time: 55 min.
Approximate calories per serving…160

SUGGESTED MENU

Cream of Mushroom Soup
Lima Bean Casserole
Waldorf Salad
Peppermint Pie

© 1973 Curtin Pulibcations, Inc. New York, N.Y. Printed in U.S.A.

Cabbage Rolls in Golden Sauce

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12 large cabbage leaves
1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 cup finely minced cabbage
1/4 cup grated onion
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon monosodium glutamate (MSG)
1/2 cup soft bread crumbs
1/4 cup water
2 eggs beaten
1/3 cup butter or margarine
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup molasses
3 tablespoons water

Heat oven to 350°. Pour boiling water over cabbage leaves and let stand 5 minutes to soften. In a bowl, combine ground beef, minced cabbage, onion, salt, pepper, MSG bread crumbs. 1/4 cup water and eggs. Mix well and divide into 12 equal cylinder-shaped rolls. Arrange each roll in center of a scalded cabbage leaf. Fold over two sides o leaves and roll. Place rolls, folded side down, in baking dish. (Any extra cabbage can be coarsely chopped and layered under rolls). BLend butter or margarine, honey, molasses and 3 tablespoons water. Pour over rolls and bake about 45 minutes until browned. Turn rolls after 25 minutes to brown evenly.

Serves 6
Preprartion time: 1 Hr.,15 min.
Approximate calories per serving... 460

SUGGESTED MENU
Tomato-Watercress Salad
Cabbage Rolls in Golden Sauce
Buttered Baby Carrots
Corn Bread
Parslied Potatoes
Cinnamon Baked Apples

©1973 Curtin Publications, Inc. New York, N.Y. Printed in U.S.A.

Kofta Curry

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Preparation time 10 minutes
Cooking time 25-30 minutes
To serve 4

You will need
Koftas:
1 dessertspoon mint leaves
1 medium-sized onion
1 clove garlic, peeled
1 lb. finely minced meat
2 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon chilli powder
1/4 teaspoon clove powder
1/4 teaspoon ginger powder

Curry:
1-inch piece fresh ginger
1 tomato
1 clove garlic, peeled
1/4 pint (U.S. 5/8 cup) water
1/2 teaspoon ginger powder
1 medium-sized onion
2 oz. cooking fat
1 pint (U.S. 2 1/2 cups) yoghurt
1 dessertspoon coriander powder

Chop the mint finely. Chop the onion and garlic. Put the mince in a bowl with the mint, chopped garlic and onion. Mix and add the salt, chilli, clove and ginger powders. Make into balls the size of a large walnut. Scrap the ginger and chop very finely. Chop the toamto coarsely, crush the garlic and add to the water and ginger powder. Slice the onion finely. Heat the fat and fry onions till cream coloured. Add the tomato, yoghurt and coriander powder and simmer for 15 minutes. Now add the garlic water and simmer for 5 minutes and add the meat balls. Cover and cook gently till the meat is cooked. If more gravy is required add 1/4 pint (U.S. 5/8 cup) hot water and simmer for 5 minutes more. Serve with rice.

© Shufunotomo Col, Ltd., Japan 1968 English text © The Hamlyn Publishing Group Ltd. 1968

Cottage Cheese and Kidney Bean Salad

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©1963 Knox Gelatine, Inc. Johnstown, New York, Printed in U.S.A.