Pieathalon 2020 – Clusterfuck Pie

I’ve given all I can give to this year. Haven’t we all? Pandemic, record unemployment, racial injustice, unsurvivable storm surges, and now I have baked a pie that sucks as much this year does. And I’ve done it twice. This year is just a clusterfuck on every level.

When I got this recipe, I took Mrs.Leonard Krallman at her word that this was a “gude” one. Well, fuck her. It isn’t. Maybe in the 18th century, when smallpox and infrequent bathing was all the rage, a runny pie with soggy bread bits was a delicacy, but in 2020, it’s just another form of mockery. You want a good pie, but no, 2020 says “Fuck that. You don’t deserve pie.”

Gathering ingredients

First off the instructions are vague at best, and so the baker is left to make assumptions about the process. Basically, just bung it in a bowl, stir, pour between two pie crusts, set the oven to the temperature of your choosing, and pray for the best.

From the onset, between the vinegar and the water I thought the recipe called for way too much liquid. 6 cups of liquid between all of the ingredients and nothing that would really bind or cause the ingredients to gel. Maybe substitute dark corn syrup for the molasses? Maybe leave the fucking water in the well?

mmmmmm…. crumbs sinking

Fancy, eh?

Not fancy.

I tried leaving it overnight in the fridge to see if that helped solidify the center, but no go. It was still soupy and running all over the place when sliced. Most “crumb” pies call for the addition of some kind of fruit, generally apples. Maybe that would have helped a bit here. Maybe it would have made for sad runny apple pie. I did a little digging on the Googles and the closest relative I found find to this culinary abomination was an Amish Vanilla Crumb Pie.

Poor Bastard

Crazy Neighbor Dude

But undaunted by crushing disappointment, I fed it to my husband, Poor Bastard, and Crazy Neighbour Dude who some of you may remember from years past. Neither was pleased to have been honored with a slice of pie. Crazy Neighbor Dude’s official review was “It has this beyond weird taste of that Mexican pumpkin candy. Oddly there’s an after taste but it doesn’t linger in the mouth that long(thank god!).” The Poor Bastard is sleeping in another room until he decides to forgive me.

And with this ends another culinary adventure courtesy of Dinner Is Served 1972‘s annual Pieathalon. Here’s hoping 2021 is better for all of us, all the way around.

Also, as of the time of this writing, they still have not arrested the cops who killed Breonna Taylor. Why the fuck not? Say her name. Over and over and over until they finally hear us.

The cookbook was compiled by a Louise Henderson, with illustrations by J. Paul Hisey. It looks like the pair compiled 4 different books/pamphlets in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

13 thoughts on “Pieathalon 2020 – Clusterfuck Pie

  1. Melanie plum

    Love this. Thank you. My year has been a clusterfuck on whole other levels of clusterfuck. Perhaps I should make a Clusterfuck Pie to celebrate…no one around me would be surprised when it sucked.
    2020, man….

  2. Pingback: Chicken Salad Pie - Pieathalon 7 - Retro Food For Modern Times

  3. S S

    I promise I didn’t think it would be that terrible! Tell your neighbor dude and your husband I can send over a good recipe to make up for it.

  4. Yinzerella

    Crazy Neighbor Dude!!!
    “Fuck that, you don’t deserve pie.” That is basically 2020 in a nutshell. Thank you again for being a Pieathlete! Same time next year 🙂

  5. Nancy

    I read the email. i had to come here and tell you I laughed my effing ass off. Too bad I did not lose any weight when my ass fell off. And they still have not arrested the killer of BREONA TAYLOR. Now they tried to get her boyfriend to malign her in a plea deal. Fuck 2020.

    1. Nancy

      did you look up Amish Poor Mans Bread Pie Recipe? sounds sort of similar. I think you needed more bread in the pie. but it still sounds gross. c’est la vie.

  6. Poppy

    I love Poor Bastard’s reaction! That’s a great picture. I like that you added some social commentary too. It’s so frustrating that the same injustices happen again and again and no one is held accountable.

  7. Kari

    Maybe “gude” doesn’t mean “good”?

    I think Crazy Neighbor Dude is starting to have doubts about Pieathalon. I hope you get a good recipe next year!

  8. greg

    This was the most hilarious post (as usual)! If someone had to get the “dud” recipe, YOU were the one who could make it so totally entertaining! Loved everything about this post! Typo in the recipe I suspect… I did find a couple of similar ones on the internet, but the ratio was about 2/1 liquid/bread crumbs.

  9. Jean Kalwas

    This reads vaguely reminiscent of Shoofly Pie, which I have only had once and was probably almost as awful as you describe this to be.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.