Every year I enter into Yinzerella’s (Dinner is Served 1972) pie contest. I start off really enthused for this project. I like pie. I also like submitting something quasi-fucked up for someone else to have to make. I love to submit stuff from Weight Watchers, because, well, they are invariably nasty. Like this year I offered up cherry pies that are made from cherries, gelatin, bread crumbs, and the tears of out of work carnies. Usually, in return, I get something edible. The other participants aren’t quite as evil mischevious as I am. Until now. Apparently, Kelly at Velveteen Lounge has decided it’s time I get my comeuppance. This year, I get to make a cat food pie. Thanks, Kelly.

Salmon CUSTARD Pie. Just let that sink in for a moment. I’ll wait.

Now, I’m not a fish girl. Well, lemme clarify that. I like the occasional fish stick or tuna sandwich, but other than that I have no interest in it. Let’s be honest, it smells funky. Ever had someone in your office heat up their fish lunch and thought about all the ways you could disembowel them? So, suffice to say, there’s no way in hell I would be taste testing this dish. So, who you gonna call? Crazy Neighbor Dude that’s who. He’s like Mikey. He’ll eat anything I offer him. Including baked cat food it would appear.

So, this nightmare starts with salmon. Correction, CANNED salmon. Because, of course, it does. Have you ever opened a can of salmon?

It’s slimy. It’s got all kinds of manky skin bits. And bones. Fucking bones. Why can’t they take those out? Whatever happened to work ethic? Would it be so hard to go the extra mile not to make me dig my fingers in nasty slimy fishy bits?

The green onions are about the only part of this recipe that doesn’t make me want to gag, and the smell of them cooking in butter does what it can to mitigate the stench of the canned salmon. Well, that and copious amounts of Lysol, bless its chemical-laden heart.

Toss all the ingredients together in a bowl. We’re all agreed that this looks like vomit. And it’s probably triggering your gag reflex as much as mine. Good times. Thanks, Kelly.

Toss into pie crust, bake. And text Crazy Neighbor Dude to come fetch.

His first question was “So, it’s like salmon, eggs and green stuff?” Nailed it in one Crazy Neighbor Dude!

So, I sent him on his merry way with his pie and went back to drinking and periodically spraying Lysol every time I got a whiff of fish. Then, my phone starts buzzing.

It’s entirely possible that I’m going to have to move. Thanks, Kelly.

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Salmon Custard Pie Recipe is from the Farm Journal’s Complete Pie Cookbook Circa 1965

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Pieathalon 2019 Participants
The Homicidal Homemaker
The Nostalgic Cook
Velveteen Lounge Kitsch-en
Vincent Price Legacy UK
Grannie Pantries
A Book of Cookrye
Retro Food for Modern Times
Dinner is Served 1972
Kitchen Confidence
Doctor Bobb’s Kitschen
Culinary Adventures with Camilla
Recipes 4 Rebels
Silver Screen Suppers